Ten Movies I Love to Hate

Not much going on in the news today, so I thought I'd recount my ten least favorite films. These are not movies that I consider to be the worst of all time - these are just the ones that I've actually seen and hated more than any others.

10. Star Trek V - The Final Frontier

There is a superstition among Trekkies called the "Odd Curse", which refers to the fact that every odd-numbered Star Trek film pales in comparison to the even-numbered ones. This fifth episode in the ten-film canon (soon to be eleven thanks to Lost's JJ Abrams) is no exception. The swirly blue planet pictured above is the titular "frontier" that Captain Kirk and Co. journey towards throughout the film, a place called "Sha Ka Ree" where a mysterious God-like entity supposedly resides. If that laughable synopsis doesn't turn you off, the movie's forced humor will. Trek creator Gene Roddenberry called this installation "apocryphal at best."

9. Napoleon Dynamite

I sat through this. Almost twice. I just don't get it. It was like some kind of awkward, parallel-universe nightmare.

8. Match Point

Don't get me wrong, I love Woody Allen, but this was the kind of movie that left you wishing you weren't a human being. The main character falls in love, has an affair, then murders the first girl so that he can live peacefully with the second. The end. I'm serious. The worst part was that it was marketed as some kind of romantic comedy. Right. And The Village was a horror movie.

7. Fargo

I know that this has won countless awards and acclaim, but have you ever tried to watch it? I love some of the Cohen brothers' other work (O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Raising Arizona, No Country For Old Men), but this movie consists solely of emotionless, expressionless people moping around and talking with intolerable accents. Fans of the film speak as if the climax redeems the rest of it, but watching a man get stuffed into a woodchipper isn't my idea of a good story.

6. Independence Day

There are a lot of reasons why I disliked this, but I'll just name one: they defeat a super-advanced alien civilization by downloading a computer virus onto its ship. A computer virus. Who knew Windows was universal? I bet aliens with Macs are much nicer and better-dressed.

5. Lady Killers

Another Cohen brothers' clunker. One word: crass.

4. Batman and Robin

George Clooney is many things, but not Batman. I'd like to ask Joel Schumacher what his goal was when directing this movie. To sell lots of Happy Meals with tie-in toys?

3. Star Wars - Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Turned one of the greatest modern myths into a Saturday morning cartoon.

2. Superman Returns

In the words of Roger Ebert, "a glum, lackluster movie in which even the big effects sequences seem dutiful."

1. Requiem For A Dream

Do not ever watch this film. You will instantly regret it and never be able to get those two torturous hours back. It should only be used as part of the Ludovico Technique for drug addicts. And don't ever tell a friend that it's a "good date movie" as a prank.